Masquerade
by karlawp99
Summary: We'll keep pretending"... Natsuki's thoughts while she ponders on her current situation / post series, and several years later


Disclaimer: no, shamely neither Mai Hime nor their characters belong to me if they were we would have more Shizuru :P

Sorry no beta read...This is the first story I've written after 6 years...I think I'm a little bit rusty with words right now plus english is not my native language...

**Masquerade**

I look at you while pretending to read a book; in the comfort of our living room I relax in the couch you love so much, the same that holds so many memories... you are in the kitchen talking again, it's your new routine, I pretend not to listen since I have my headphones and my player on, but the truth is that I can still hear you, I watch you talking in a relaxed way, calmed with that beautiful smile that I thought was reserved only for me...you don't have that perfect facade that you use with most people, in fact sometimes you blush and laugh for real, like in the old times, I know who you are talking with and my heart falls to my stomach with that dull pain I've become used to, I steel myself to stop the tears that threaten to fall from my eyes...they can wait...they always wait...I breathe deeply calming myself fixing my sight to the now incomprensible letters of my book...another breath... and then I stare at you again, you are busy talking and fixing dinner while sipping a cup of that white wine you have come to love...you hang up but happiness is still plastered in your face.

It fills me with heartache, looking you like this, it's..it's hard knowing that I'm losing you...no, the truth is that I have lost you already...

Our eyes meet and I smile, that fake but charming smile that I have come to master..._We have been together for so long isn't it?_ I look around, watching the frames in the walls that hold pictures of us, every bit of this house holds a part of our lives, I smile at the memories that fill my mind, your hugs, your hands, your lovely voice and again your charming smile...I sigh in defeat, _why did it happen? Was it because of my stubborness? My lack of trust? My lack of romanticism? Why?...maybe you finally realize that I'm just a spoiled child...as everyone think..._

"Do you want something special?" your lovely voice, the same that have brought me down to my knees pulls me out of my reverie, you look at me trying to look normal but I know you too damn well, it's just another of your masks. I watch you and I know you are caught between what you really want to do and what you feel obliged to do...

I'm feel like that too.. at the same time I want you to be happy but I'm terrified of having you out of my life..._Something special?_ I mentally answer your _question "what if I tell that I want you to keep loving me? To keep being mine? To keep being in love with me and not...not fall with her..." _I snort a laugh at my ridiculous though, she looks at me puzzled probably you know what I'm thinking but you are going to pretend that you don't understand as you usually do this days.

"Nothing, thank you.." Although I'm smiling, I hear the tiredness of my own voice I know she heard it too, she smiles weakly and goes back to the kitchen.

I close my eyes and let a sigh come out..._who would have thought it? Everyone bet that I'll get tired of this "relationship thing", that this ice princess would escape and break her heart...the truth is that she is doing it like no one has ever done it before, she taught me love, and compression, she melted my walls_, "I wish..." I whisper before another sigh escapes my breath _'no point in wishing...'_

I stand up and walk toward the kitchen, I reach your hand and pull you toward me, I forcefully kiss you... surprisingly you accept my advances...after a couple of minutes we are inside our room, naked, making love...honestly it can't be called like that it's more like a cry of two souls, there's no love in our act just a desperate raw need, a mechanical exercise trying to satisfy our needs and fantasies but failing miserably; while I try to convince myself that I can still feel that connection, you close your eyes and avoid my gaze, we reach our climaxes and in the mist of moans and sweat, I will pretend that I didn't hear you whispering her name instead of mine...

--

It's three in the morning and as usual I'm awake, I turn and I see the most beautiful sight in the whole world: you, relaxed bathed in the glow of the moonlight...finally after this long torture my tears find their way to my cheeks and my body breaks in bitterest tears I can recall, I cover my face with my hands _'Why am I doing this?'_ I close my eyes trying to calm myself since I don't want you to wake up... I really don't know...I wish I were strong enough to stand up and get out of your life...I would leave a note on the pillow with a 'Thank you' written and a white rose beside it...you know what that would mean, after all you know me too well, that would be a romantic way of saying goodbye...How many nights I have stayed awake thinking the same solution? I can't remember really...'

'_It would be so easy to end this lie and let you be happy...the sad thing is that I want you to be with all my heart...but I'm weak, I'm a coward that rathers being like this doing nothing than not having you at all, and I'm terrified because I wonder how long will this continue, I know the right thing to do would be talk to you and let you go...but I'm selfish and hopelessly in love with you..._

_It's unfair...it's so unfair that right now when I long your touch, your lips, your hands, your body, your love the most...they are no longer mine...you haven't surrendered to your desires yet,...but someday that will happen...until that...'_

I turn to watch you again, clinging to the last bits of this dying dream, I stroke your face with the back of my hand and you still sleeping move far away from me, I bring my hand to my chest drowning in tears... "Until that..." I whisper completing the idea in my mind

'_Until that we'll keep pretending...until I get the courage to go and dissapear from your life or until you get tired of pretending living this lie...until that day...we'll keep on dancing through this masquerade...'_

The end

PS. Thanks for reading :D

Feedback is highly appreciated...mistakes please point them out...so I can correct them...If I do another Mai Hime story I promise it won't be sad as this...

I hope you like it...if not then tell me so I'll stick to finish my Haruka & Michiru story...:P which have been 6 years on hold...


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